My 11 yr old came up with the idea to create a “movie night” setup in the living room which included bringing the Fort couch up and some other pillows. Well, part of the Fort Couch is kept in my 4 yr old’s room. She saw this setup and was immediately distraught because she claims ownership of several of the items and apparently was not in the mood to share. Typically, these 3 can work a situation like this out on their own so I waited to see if this happened.

She ends up becoming quite hysterical, and goes out into the backyard. I wait a moment or 2 and then I walk over to her and I basically just offer her a hug. She cries and cries as she hugs me. I don’t say anything. We just stay there until the soles of my feet start to hurt from crouching lol I assured her we would put the cushion back after movie night. She held my hand and walked in and joined everyone. When she showed up, she declared what pillows and blankets she was going to use and specified her spot. The boys were fine with that. 

So I didn’t correct her. I validated her feelings, reassured her and co-regulated with her. There was no need for correction. 

Because…. what would I have been correcting? Her emotions? Her dysregulation? Because we gave her a safe space to feel her emotions, she was able to ride the waves and once she was able to co-regulate, she was able to come up with a compromise. That’s why we connect instead of correct, it allows the full emotional cycle to happen, ending in co-regulation, reflection and resolution.

Try the Connect Instead of Correct Challenge!!

Having lots of materials to share can help. Building toys can provide enough materials that sharing becomes easier. Here’s a List of Building Toys.