Adopting a child is an emotional experience for everyone involved, down to the nurses and social workers. EVERYONE wants this to be the best choice for the baby. EVERYONE wants to see the baby thrive. Most babies are not sent home with such a big role. All the adults want confirmation that they all “did the right thing.” The pressure is massive on an adopted child. We are expected to be gracious, appreciative and excited about being in a new family (because the message is our old family was so horrible, we should be grateful to have been separated from them). Whether the baby came from extreme neglect and poverty or was a “standard teen adoption,” the experience for the baby is the same. It’s trauma. A child, no matter how young, being separated from their family, will experience trauma. Trauma can be mitigated and treated so the effects are minimized.

We sometimes think when a child goes from one parent who is struggling, to a new parent we consider to be fit, that they will cognitively understand this change and appreciate the new family. This may be true of an older child but to get to the point where you would actually prefer to live with strangers, than at home, you would likely have experienced years of trauma, prior to deciding you wanted to get out. The point is every adopted child is a traumatized child and needs to be treated as such.

Their birth family is still their family. Some feel more connected than others to their roots but often the ones who “want nothing to do with them” feel this way because they do not want to face the intense emotions of their trauma. Flight is a very common choice for trauma survivors. You don’t push them. You respect and honour where they are in their journey but let them know they are safe to discuss their thoughts and feelings about this, if they choose to. Also let them know it’s ok to have mixed feelings about the whole thing. It’s ok to feel angry and abandoned while still a little curious. It is such a complex process that of course there are going to be a pile of crazy emotions.

Are you parenting while healing from your own childhood trauma? I know… it’s hard. In my quest to heal for my children, I have uncovered a treasure trove of information and tools that help with healing but also just surviving. It’s ok to just survive. I have a 4 video workshop series that I think is my best work. Here’s the link Emotionally Overwhelmed Workshop Series