We use cooperation and collaboration, not consequences, when we need our child to do something they don’t want to do. Children who are punished in order to get them to obey tend to start giving the same threats with others “if you don’t give me that truck, I’m not inviting you to my birthday party!!”

They grow to learn that if someone doesn’t do what they ask, they should threaten them to get their way.

“If you don’t brush your teeth, right now, no tv after school.”

“If you don’t get down off the slide, we are never coming to the park again.”

“If you don’t stop crying we are leaving!”

“I told you to pick up your toys! Whatever toys I see on the floor, are going in the garbage!”

“Eat your supper or you are not having desert.”

“Put on your coat or else I’m not stopping for a treat.”

“If you don’t go to soccer, you’re not going to your friend’s birthday party, this weekend.”

All of these phrases teach children that when someone doesn’t do what I want them to do, I should threaten them.

We justify this with “in the real world, there are consequences for your actions!”

If an adult doesn’t brush their teeth the consequence is smelly breath.

If an adult stays on top of something that they want to for longer than they planned, there is no consequence and they likely wouldn’t see themselves as needing a consequence.

When an adult cries, they are typically comforted, not shamed.

If an adult doesn’t clean up their belongings, they live in a mess for a bit.

If an adult doesn’t finish their supper, they can still have desert. In fact, an adult could even eat desert first or only eat desert and the consequences would be… minimal.

When an adult doesn’t want to wear a coat, they don’t.

If an adult wants to skip a practice or a workout, they do.

I go into all of these topics in the Connect Instead of Correct Challenge