Excerpt from Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parent’s Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation
Parent guilt is something we almost assume comes with the job of parenting. I, myself, have said to other parents “as you know, the baby comes out with a big side of guilt.” I said this because it is often true, but it does not have to be. I am learning how to reframe guilt in my mind. Guilt is one of the many neural pathways we have created over the years. Guilt is a very natural feeling, however, it is similar to anger, in that it is a secondary emotion. It is often the feeling we get in response to another emotion. Guilt is the meaning we make of an uncomfortable sensation in our bodies. Figuring out what emotions are lurking under the mask of guilt and digging into where those feelings come from, is often the key to resolving your guilt and moving past it. Also, our personal experiences can drastically dictate which actions make us feel guilt and shame, similar to anger.
As an example, most people feel sad when a friend moves away. Only some people will be angry, because they see the leaving as a rejection or an abandonment. These feelings are likely triggered by an unresolved trauma from their past. Guilt is much the same. Losing your patience with your child, because they did not comply with your request, after you asked multiple times, is a pretty common catalyst for guilty feelings as a parent. But what were you really feeling? Learning how to reflect on an incident with empathy and compassion for both parties, is not a skill learned over night. It is, however, the secret to reframing those feelings of guilt. Through using the tools of reflection, we can still feel the emotions that are necessary to learn from the experience, but by balancing those feelings with a growth mindset, the guilty feelings become drastically reduced and subside much quicker.
Guilt is an excellent manipulator, not motivator.
Guilt and shame are often mistaken as motivators for change. I would argue that they are more manipulative, than motivating. They do work temporarily, sometimes, however the harmful consequences can be long lasting. Mostly guilt and shame impact people in two different ways; they accept it, or they reject it. I think we all have reacted in both ways, at times.
The problem is, one is compliant because they feel guilty or scared, not because they are intrinsically motivated to cooperate. The other is so hurt and scared by the feelings of guilt that are brought up, that they reject the characterization and feeling, refusing to comply, but still feeling the guilt and the rejection.
Self-induced guilt is usually the hardest for parents. Letting go of the guilt can actually help let go of the anger, in those moments as well. Figuring out the origin of our emotions can help us to process them. That is how we overcome guilt; by finding out what is hiding underneath it and giving it space and time to be reflected on, processed and then released, when it is ready. You should not have to try and release feelings of guilt, it should just come naturally. If it does not feel like that for me, I know I have more reflecting to do.
Instead of Calling it Guilt, Let’s Call it Instinct
Picture a new parent trying to make excuses for being a responsive caregiver by saying “I just can’t leave him to cry, I feel too guilty” No, what you feel is instinct. Now imagine if the new parent said, “I just follow my instincts and pick up my baby when they cry.” No guilt, lots of common sense.
We need to be able to recognize these sensations in order to respond to our child. That is why they are there. But the parent who labels the feeling “instinct” versus the parent who labels the sensation “guilt” is going to likely have a much more fulfilling parenting experience.
Perspective is everything.
Stuffing It Down
Another common approach to guilt is trying to stuff it down; our old friend suppression. Just like all emotions though, they don’t go away just because we ignore them. The person not responding to their child, trying to ignore their child’s needs, they are also feeling instincts, but because they are not responding, that feeling morphs into guilt. Like I said, some people internalize guilt (I’m such a bad mother, my baby never stops crying) others, externalize it (there is something wrong with this baby, it won’t stop crying).
The truth is, babies cry, that part is really natural. What is not natural is leaving them to cry alone. Follow your instincts to meet your child’s needs. When you make a mistake, like all humans do, multiple times a day, try reflecting instead of going down the rabbit hole of guilt and shame.
Reflection allows you to come out on the other end a more authentic version of yourself, whereas guilt and shame destroys self-worth and often perpetuates feelings of self-loathing or resentment towards others, including our children and partners.
What To Do Instead
The sensations that you get when you feel guilty are actually messengers from your body. They will ultimately help you to resolve your guilt easier because they will alert you to feelings of guilt before they overcome you. When you feel that sensation, STOP. Sit down and/or find a quiet space and try reflecting instead.
Reflect on Your Community of Support
Hopefully all of us have at least one other adult in our lives who we feel unconditionally loved and supported by. It’s important to be aware of how others make us feel. But, sometimes there are people around us who are contributing to our stress. Some people have a tendency to try and implant toxic nuggets into our minds with their own conditioning driving their narrative. This may be intentional or unintentional. However, it can cause emotional and cognitive ulcers that fester and ooze through our subconscious. If you notice someone is often serving you up toxic nuggets that erode your subconscious and make you question your own intuition, beliefs and self-worth… you are not obligated to receive their toxicity. If they are unable to respect your boundaries, or if your boundaries hurt their feelings, that will tell you that their own agenda is more important to them than your well- being.
Since their motive is personal and not altruistic, there is really no need to try and reason with them or have them see it from your perspective. Part of learning to love yourself is learning to be ok when others don’t love the authentic you.
Then connect with those people who do make you feel loved and accepted as you are. It’s ok if that person is just some random other parent you met online. It’s ok. Take stock of who you do have in your life, those who do build you up.
No Regrets!
“I just don’t want to have regrets about my parenting choices, someday.”
I feel this fear has a lot of parents captivated. A “deer in headlights” kind of captivated; frozen in fear. I have also experienced this fear and still do; the fear of regrets. Especially as a parent, this pressure to soak up and enjoy every moment, whilst also meeting everyone’s needs with a smile…. It’s truly unrealistic.
Therefore, I also believe it is unrealistic to try and prevent myself from not feeling some regret, guilt and shame about my parenting journey. So instead of saying to myself “I really hope I never regret anything” I acknowledge that I probably will. That no matter what I do as a parent, I will have moments that I wish I could have back. Moments I wish I would have made a different choice. Instead of being afraid of having those thoughts and feelings, I am embracing them as part of the complex journey of parenting.
This may be especially true for those of us “parenting while healing” but when we fear complex thoughts and emotions, we give them so much power over us. The more we learn how to process, instead of suppress, complex thoughts and emotions, the less ability they have to overwhelm us. Overtime, we become less fearful of these moments. We accept that complex thoughts and emotions are part of everyone’s human journey. The best part is our children see that it is safe to have complex thoughts and feelings. It’s safe toacknowledge our mistakes and regrets. In order to create a safe place for our children’s thoughts and emotions, we need to create a safe place for our own, as well.
If we try to look even deeper at this fear of regrets….
Is it really concrete evidence of not being a “good enough” parent?
Or is it really a new manifestation of the inadequacy we have always felt; the FEAR of “never being enough”?
Then if it really is about this fear we have of inadequacy… Is it really necessary to over-compensate for these fears?
Are those fears and anxieties founded?
Or are they the result of negative thought patterns, set early in our lives?
Going down the rabbit-hole of self-doubt and over-analyzing can be a common practice for healing parents. One of the secrets to stopping this is using guided reflection practice, like you are doing here.
“You know what I have observed after working with parents for a few years? The ones who are “always present” often seem to be the most stressed out and overwhelmed. Especially in the very few moments they find themselves unable to be fully present. I’ve always had this goal of being more “present” but I’m starting to realize, that maybe just doing what you can, when you can is actually better than trying to do everything all the time.” J. Milburn
Common Responsive Parent Comments
“I need to be more present with my child, my mind is always wandering.”
“I need to keep the house cleaner. I can’t seem to keep up.”
“I need to be more organized. The inconsistency is likely a big part of all the tantrums.”
“I need to get my child on a better sleep schedule.”
“I need to be more consistent”
“I need to follow through better“
“I need to cook more home cooked meals, organic, oh a vegetable garden, we’ll do it together, I’ll teach them how to cook, plant, and care for themselves and the earth, this will be so AMAZING!!”
Meanwhile… you spend 500$’s to set up your little vegetable garden. Spend half a day getting it set up, go over to grab the hose and by the time you get back your toddler has pulled every plant out of the ground. Yes, this could be a learning opportunity and hopefully you have the patience left to handle this with grace and learning but you might not… and that’s ok. I know for me, that could be the breaking point. I have learned that if something needs to be done a certain way and you can’t be flexible about that, then this is not a child-led activity. Which does not make it “bad” it just means guidance and correction will likely be constant and engagement will likely fluctuate. Instead, give your child their own garden spot and supplies and they can do what they want with it, while you get your garden setup. Accountability is key to mitigating the negative impacts that losing your patience can have on a child.
Our emotions ebb and flow. They are not stable or controllable. Our behaviour can be controlled but we tend to fall back on familiar patterns of behaviour, during stressful moments. For those of us on a healing journey while we parent, trying to never lose our patience or yell may be an unrealistic goal, at this time.
So, what do we do when this does happen?
Rupture and repair are part of the process of building secure attachment. It does not harm it, it actually makes those bonds stronger, because the repair builds trust.
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